HOW DO I SUPPORT SOMEONE EXPERIENCING LONELINESS?
“What do I do if someone I know has expressed experiencing loneliness?” I received this question this week, and I want to share my knowledge with you. This acknowledgement from the person experiencing loneliness says a lot about your relationship with them. There is a sense of trust and safety you have created with this person. Congratulations! You are already supporting them.
My goal for this article is to explain what the lonely person is experiencing; provide tools and strategies to help you be a quality support for the individual. What is the most important thing to realize about loneliness? The person experiencing loneliness desperately wants to connect with you. The problem is they don’t know how to do it!
You may be saying, “Nathan, how is that possible?” You may be thinking, “Just say what you are experiencing.” If only it were only that easy. Let me drop some science on you…in 2005 research found that the average person has about 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. Of those thousands of thoughts, 80% were negative, and 95% were exactly the same repetitive thoughts as the day before.(1) 95% the same thoughts every day. What does that mean for a person experiencing loneliness? Here is their thought pattern… I want to talk with someone, but I don’t want to be a burden. My problem is not as important as my friend’s problem. Teddy Roosevelt definitely hit the nail on the head when he said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” It’s the thief of joy and it’s the fuel that ignites loneliness.
Take The Lead
Now you are equipped to show up and help your friend deal with their loneliness. How do you start? You initiate the conversation. You help the person take their conversation from an internal one to an external one. Start by saying, “Hey, I want to take you out later this week and catch up.” Take the lead. Remember, this person’s mind is making them feel like a burden, and they don’t want to impose. Make it clear you are excited to spend time with them. Loneliness is an energy game. The more energy people, places, and activities give them the less loneliness is going to be able to attack the person. What do they enjoy doing? Do they have a favorite place to spend time? You are creating a space to be a pattern interrupt. You are beginning to break the loneliness loop.
What’s next?
Listen Up
You are going to create a connection with this person. This connection is very specific. You are going to focus making the lonely person feel seen, heard, and valued. I am not alone in preaching this message. Here are a couple of ladies who agree with me when it comes to connection. In her book The Gift of Imperfection Brene Brown says, “I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” (2) Oprah said, The thing every single person had in common, whether they were a firefighter or a PhD, a dental hygienist or a software engineer? According to Oprah, “They all wanted validation.” (3)
What does that mean for you? It means you get the opportunity to be present. Put your phone away, leave it in the car. Focus all your energy on listening and not talking. You are not there to solve a problem, you are there to listen. One of the most important things to remember is this is the lonely person’s experience. Everything they tell you is what they are feeling. Do not invalidate their feelings. The great thing is you are a human, and you have experienced the same emotions as your friend. You can use your empathy to relate with them. Here is something you can do to make sure you are doing your best to create a safe and empowering space for your friend. Once your friend is finished speaking you can say, ``What I heard you say is…and repeat what they said”… then ask, “Did I understand that correctly?” If not, give them an opportunity to repeat it for you. 78% of people I polled said being heard was more important than being seen to them. Are you ready to create a space for connection?
Do you feel more equipped to support someone who is experiencing loneliness? Now you can be that pattern interrupt, you can help them take their loneliness from an internal conversation to an external one, and you can create connection by approaching the conversation with the goal of making the person feel seen, heard, and valued. Take the lead and create connection today!
References:
- Mind Matters: How To Effortlessly Have More Positive Thoughts | TLEX Institute
https://tlexinstitute.com/how-to-effortlessly-have-more-positive-thoughts/
2. The Gift Of Imperfection Brene Brown
3. According to Oprah, All Your Arguments Come Down to These 3 Questions
